Pics.

My Pet Squirrel.



My little man!



My new lip ring.



Me working at McDonalds!

Im getting used to this

I'm not even sure on what I'm supposed to do anymore,nothing seems right at all, it feels just like I'm sitting in stagnant water. I'm not moving anywhere, and I can't breathe. I don't know why this is so hard, and I don't know why everything has to remind me that I failed, but it's really starting to get to me.

I wish I could just go back in time, before my friends stabbed me in the back, and before I was left absolutely devastated, back before I learned to hate, when I was close to the man that promised me forever, back when I was happy all the time, and back before I knew what a broken heart felt like, before all the drugs. Time was so tangible.

It's hard to get away when you're afraid to leave the room you died in. My whole life was kept between the pages he set fire to on the funeral pyre. I don't understand why I feel so hurt, and why I feel so broken, when they say time will heal, how long are you supposed to wait? how many days do you have to fight back emptiness and martyrdom.

I used to have so many dreams, and I wanted to do such big things with my life, now it's getting harder and harder just to get to sleep at night, and it's getting even harder to wake up.
Maybe this is my fault for losing faith, or maybe it's because I believed in something that was never really there, but fuck what people say, seeing isnt believing; believing is seeing, and I saw everything, and all at once, I saw it all come crashing down.

I think it's safe to say, today, is not a good day.

Im going insane.

Let it be said upfront that I'm not sugar-coating a god damn thing.

The fact is, I've watched too many people I care about piss their lives away on empty careers, hopeless romance, meaningless scholastic accolades, and the relentless pursuit of creating cute little "craziest thing" stories with which they can stroke their dumb-ass egos. What the fuck is wrong with you people? Why do you all settle for the blandest, least interesting, emotionally and spiritually empty bullshit to fill your lives? Do any of you have actual thoughts, or are you truly happy just bumbling around, taking everything at face value? Doesn't anyone have anything interesting to say?

There's a whole goddamn beautiful planet out there, with innumerable resources available to learn about who we are, where we have come from and how we are all tied together. And what do people do? They get soulless jobs in IT or marketing or media or some other bullshit. They spend their Friday nights comparing themselves to their "friends" over drinks. They settle into empty, boring marriages with people they barely know. I cannot describe how agonizing it is for me to see this happening to everyone.

Fuck your college degree. Fuck your relationship. Fuck your family. Fuck your lack of imagination. Fuck your disinterest in the bigger picture. You were shit out into this world with no absolutely no bias, and you let popular belief tell you who you were. Congratulations, Mr. or Ms. Social-Security-Number. Have fun chasing that socio-economic carrot all the way to the grave. Be prepared to die silently, nothing like you thought it would be.

Yeah, I know how it sounds. Go ahead, tear me apart. Let's fucking hear you say something insightful for once. Amaze me. Rip this shitty heart out and devour it, motherfuckers. Now's your chance. Fuck it

This entry has been brought to you by my hate for everyone, goddammit.

There is no love untouched by hate

The trials you now are facing
They are not greater than your will
For there is nothing under heaven
You cannot overcome

See the door that lies before you
And know this too shall pass
The confrontation of your tears
In strength drawn from the past
When the silent voices whisper
Find the course that is your own
And however great the obstacle
You will never be alone

For I have watched the path of angels
And I have heard the heavens roar
There is strife within the tempest
But there is calm in the eye of the storm

In fragments of an instant
The chaos has returned
And all that was left to sentiment
Beneath the banner burned

And as that voice was slow receded
Into echoes, memory
My doubts were re-ignited
And fear awakened from its sleep

I believe in what I fight for
And I have paid for it with pain
I am here because my contributions
May help turn this fate away

And all who stood by and did nothing
Who are they to criticize?
The sacrifices of others
Our blod has bought their lives
This is the moment of truth
At the point of no return
Place faith in your convictions
As the boundaries start to blur

There is no love untouched by hate
No unity without discord
There is no courage without fear
There is no peace without a war
There is no wisdom without regret
No admiration without scorn
There is strife within the tempest
But there is calm in the eye of the storm

The pages of our history
Are written by the hand
With eyes and ears and prejudice
Too far removed to understand

And so the heroes of the ages
Are stripped of honesty and love
To make them seem less noble
And hide what we can become

If you find the courage within you
To face the path ahead
It matters not the outcome
IF what you will gain instead
Is a heart deepened in the knowing
That experience carves the soul
And the very thing that empties you
Shall surely make you whole

Where the silent voices whisper
Find the course that is your own
And however great the obstacle
You will never be alone
For I have watched the path of angels
And I have hears the heavens roar
There is strife within the tempest
But calm in the eye of the storm...

Love and Hate

Love and hate collide like rain and ocean, singing together in equal and opposite reaction. Anyone can hear it, but to see it makes a world of difference, although perhaps not in a different world. With every blade of grass in attendance, thunderous bass erupts from clouds above while shrill strings cry out from the edge of every raindrop. The orchestra surges relentlessly as daylight breaks, a drink to numb my fears.With bloodthirsty passion, I stagger onward, hoping to bed down at the horizon. My heart loves everything that no one sees, although I sometimes think that is me. There are cracks in everything, and they tell beautiful stories longer than time. Everything is so clear. This new reality appears when least expected, consumes every thought, and ultimately devours the entirety of existence. Perfection is the end of time, and there is no cure for being so in love.But I run screaming from bliss, that eggshell truth that only seems white. There is another reality that I know better; it feeds the senses in equivalent portions, and it feels just like home. And so, from this lonely hill, I watch the unfolding of the apocalypse. Sunlight floods through the beautiful cracks in everything, and everyone can finally see. The fabric now ashen, the spine disintegrates, letting fall all the pages, inked in blood. Yourning fades to completeness as I sleep at last. Every night.

You who sees all ... sees nothing!!

There are so many things i want to tell you. So many questions left unanswered. Yet we sit here and pretend everything is fine when its not. We ignore the problems so that it appears that there arn't any. And for what?

You have no idea what you put me through. Im so sick of comparing myself to you. Always looking up to you, wanting to be like you.. and i dont even know why. What makes you so much better then me? Why is it that i cant just be myself any more? I want you to love me for me but you cant. You hate who i am... but what you fail to realize is that i am this way b/c of the things that have happened. Same as you. We're not 12 any more. You do so much for me, yet you make me feel bad b/c you do them. You dont know what goes on in my head, you dont understand me yet you claim you do. You who sees all... sees nothing. You dont know how many nights i've stayed up just to watch you sleep. You dont hear all the secrets i tell you when you sleep. You dont see the things i've done for you... You only see the negative. The bad in me. You make me ask myself questions like why am i so bad? and why cant i be good enough for him? when i shouldn't even have these thoughts.

I want so bad to have a relationship with you. A real one. I miss everything we used to have. But you dont want that... and you wont tell me why. I hate feeling like im the only one trying to fix things. We get in a fight and you kick me out of your room. You have no idea how much that hurts. After a fight all i want is to be close to you... and it hurts so much more to be pushed away. Thats why im awake at 3:30 am writing this, i cant sleep with out you b/c nothing around me feels right unless your there.

Why cant you see... you've become my everything... I try soo hard to make you happy, to do for you but its like you dont care. Yet no matter how much it hurts i cant give up. I cant stop trying. and you know the thing that bothers me the most... you tell me constantly that you dont care, that there is no us. Even ur actions show that. But if i got with another man you'd be hurt and you know it. You want to know the god honest truth. I feel like you talk to me the way you do and act the way you do b/c you know i have no where else to go. So you cant lose me. But what you dont understand is that i cant take much more of this. Why cant you just try? I'd get on my knees and beg if i thought it would do any good. Why dont you want it bad enough?

I Love you and i'd give anything for things to change...

I want a man in black who can think in color.

-I want a man in black who can think in color.-

It has been so long since i actually asked myself what I wanted out of life. I have long since realized that I can indeed, survive without companionship. But i dont want to.

He is my weakness.

Its soo great to be able to stare into eyes not clouded by material wants. To be so close to someone soo different yet all the while knowing i cant have him is tearing me up inside.

Im not the person i used to be. So much has happened and it changed me but not for the better. I do nothing but complain when i really have no reason to. Even though everyone thinks things and dont say them, i do. I have no problem saying how i feel but my friends find that wrong and annoying. Im supposed to keep my mouth shut. I know i have to change if i want him but i dont think its fair. Its not right for someone to have to change who they are in order to be with the one they want. Yes my morals and ethics have changed, I want different things now and i view the world sorta different then i used to. How can people be so mad at me for that? There are still alot of things i see the same. but none of that matters.

I want him to love me for me. The way he used to. Im still BRITTANI. Im the same person i was in middle school, I just think with a more open mind and say everything i feel. Why does he hate this me so much? He thinks all i do is lie. I used to lie all the time when i was on drugs. I dont now. Dont get me wrong i keep alot of personal things inside because i dont know how to handle them, The type of things i used to be able to talk to him about. but everything is different we dont "talk" like we used to. Hes changed too. I dont know if we'll ever make it passed the point we're at. I dont know if he'll ever trust me and i dont know that we'll ever be able to "talk" again. but im praying so. I love him. He is my weakness. But I've changed myself for men too many times and even though my instint is to do whatever it takes and change w/e i have to. I dont know that i can do it again. Only time will tell.