You who sees all ... sees nothing!!

There are so many things i want to tell you. So many questions left unanswered. Yet we sit here and pretend everything is fine when its not. We ignore the problems so that it appears that there arn't any. And for what?

You have no idea what you put me through. Im so sick of comparing myself to you. Always looking up to you, wanting to be like you.. and i dont even know why. What makes you so much better then me? Why is it that i cant just be myself any more? I want you to love me for me but you cant. You hate who i am... but what you fail to realize is that i am this way b/c of the things that have happened. Same as you. We're not 12 any more. You do so much for me, yet you make me feel bad b/c you do them. You dont know what goes on in my head, you dont understand me yet you claim you do. You who sees all... sees nothing. You dont know how many nights i've stayed up just to watch you sleep. You dont hear all the secrets i tell you when you sleep. You dont see the things i've done for you... You only see the negative. The bad in me. You make me ask myself questions like why am i so bad? and why cant i be good enough for him? when i shouldn't even have these thoughts.

I want so bad to have a relationship with you. A real one. I miss everything we used to have. But you dont want that... and you wont tell me why. I hate feeling like im the only one trying to fix things. We get in a fight and you kick me out of your room. You have no idea how much that hurts. After a fight all i want is to be close to you... and it hurts so much more to be pushed away. Thats why im awake at 3:30 am writing this, i cant sleep with out you b/c nothing around me feels right unless your there.

Why cant you see... you've become my everything... I try soo hard to make you happy, to do for you but its like you dont care. Yet no matter how much it hurts i cant give up. I cant stop trying. and you know the thing that bothers me the most... you tell me constantly that you dont care, that there is no us. Even ur actions show that. But if i got with another man you'd be hurt and you know it. You want to know the god honest truth. I feel like you talk to me the way you do and act the way you do b/c you know i have no where else to go. So you cant lose me. But what you dont understand is that i cant take much more of this. Why cant you just try? I'd get on my knees and beg if i thought it would do any good. Why dont you want it bad enough?

I Love you and i'd give anything for things to change...

I want a man in black who can think in color.

-I want a man in black who can think in color.-

It has been so long since i actually asked myself what I wanted out of life. I have long since realized that I can indeed, survive without companionship. But i dont want to.

He is my weakness.

Its soo great to be able to stare into eyes not clouded by material wants. To be so close to someone soo different yet all the while knowing i cant have him is tearing me up inside.

Im not the person i used to be. So much has happened and it changed me but not for the better. I do nothing but complain when i really have no reason to. Even though everyone thinks things and dont say them, i do. I have no problem saying how i feel but my friends find that wrong and annoying. Im supposed to keep my mouth shut. I know i have to change if i want him but i dont think its fair. Its not right for someone to have to change who they are in order to be with the one they want. Yes my morals and ethics have changed, I want different things now and i view the world sorta different then i used to. How can people be so mad at me for that? There are still alot of things i see the same. but none of that matters.

I want him to love me for me. The way he used to. Im still BRITTANI. Im the same person i was in middle school, I just think with a more open mind and say everything i feel. Why does he hate this me so much? He thinks all i do is lie. I used to lie all the time when i was on drugs. I dont now. Dont get me wrong i keep alot of personal things inside because i dont know how to handle them, The type of things i used to be able to talk to him about. but everything is different we dont "talk" like we used to. Hes changed too. I dont know if we'll ever make it passed the point we're at. I dont know if he'll ever trust me and i dont know that we'll ever be able to "talk" again. but im praying so. I love him. He is my weakness. But I've changed myself for men too many times and even though my instint is to do whatever it takes and change w/e i have to. I dont know that i can do it again. Only time will tell.