I'm not even sure on what I'm supposed to do anymore,nothing seems right at all, it feels just like I'm sitting in stagnant water. I'm not moving anywhere, and I can't breathe. I don't know why this is so hard, and I don't know why everything has to remind me that I failed, but it's really starting to get to me.
I wish I could just go back in time, before my friends stabbed me in the back, and before I was left absolutely devastated, back before I learned to hate, when I was close to the man that promised me forever, back when I was happy all the time, and back before I knew what a broken heart felt like, before all the drugs. Time was so tangible.
It's hard to get away when you're afraid to leave the room you died in. My whole life was kept between the pages he set fire to on the funeral pyre. I don't understand why I feel so hurt, and why I feel so broken, when they say time will heal, how long are you supposed to wait? how many days do you have to fight back emptiness and martyrdom.
I used to have so many dreams, and I wanted to do such big things with my life, now it's getting harder and harder just to get to sleep at night, and it's getting even harder to wake up.
Maybe this is my fault for losing faith, or maybe it's because I believed in something that was never really there, but fuck what people say, seeing isnt believing; believing is seeing, and I saw everything, and all at once, I saw it all come crashing down.
I think it's safe to say, today, is not a good day.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Im going insane.
Let it be said upfront that I'm not sugar-coating a god damn thing.
The fact is, I've watched too many people I care about piss their lives away on empty careers, hopeless romance, meaningless scholastic accolades, and the relentless pursuit of creating cute little "craziest thing" stories with which they can stroke their dumb-ass egos. What the fuck is wrong with you people? Why do you all settle for the blandest, least interesting, emotionally and spiritually empty bullshit to fill your lives? Do any of you have actual thoughts, or are you truly happy just bumbling around, taking everything at face value? Doesn't anyone have anything interesting to say?
There's a whole goddamn beautiful planet out there, with innumerable resources available to learn about who we are, where we have come from and how we are all tied together. And what do people do? They get soulless jobs in IT or marketing or media or some other bullshit. They spend their Friday nights comparing themselves to their "friends" over drinks. They settle into empty, boring marriages with people they barely know. I cannot describe how agonizing it is for me to see this happening to everyone.
Fuck your college degree. Fuck your relationship. Fuck your family. Fuck your lack of imagination. Fuck your disinterest in the bigger picture. You were shit out into this world with no absolutely no bias, and you let popular belief tell you who you were. Congratulations, Mr. or Ms. Social-Security-Number. Have fun chasing that socio-economic carrot all the way to the grave. Be prepared to die silently, nothing like you thought it would be.
Yeah, I know how it sounds. Go ahead, tear me apart. Let's fucking hear you say something insightful for once. Amaze me. Rip this shitty heart out and devour it, motherfuckers. Now's your chance. Fuck it
This entry has been brought to you by my hate for everyone, goddammit.
The fact is, I've watched too many people I care about piss their lives away on empty careers, hopeless romance, meaningless scholastic accolades, and the relentless pursuit of creating cute little "craziest thing" stories with which they can stroke their dumb-ass egos. What the fuck is wrong with you people? Why do you all settle for the blandest, least interesting, emotionally and spiritually empty bullshit to fill your lives? Do any of you have actual thoughts, or are you truly happy just bumbling around, taking everything at face value? Doesn't anyone have anything interesting to say?
There's a whole goddamn beautiful planet out there, with innumerable resources available to learn about who we are, where we have come from and how we are all tied together. And what do people do? They get soulless jobs in IT or marketing or media or some other bullshit. They spend their Friday nights comparing themselves to their "friends" over drinks. They settle into empty, boring marriages with people they barely know. I cannot describe how agonizing it is for me to see this happening to everyone.
Fuck your college degree. Fuck your relationship. Fuck your family. Fuck your lack of imagination. Fuck your disinterest in the bigger picture. You were shit out into this world with no absolutely no bias, and you let popular belief tell you who you were. Congratulations, Mr. or Ms. Social-Security-Number. Have fun chasing that socio-economic carrot all the way to the grave. Be prepared to die silently, nothing like you thought it would be.
Yeah, I know how it sounds. Go ahead, tear me apart. Let's fucking hear you say something insightful for once. Amaze me. Rip this shitty heart out and devour it, motherfuckers. Now's your chance. Fuck it
This entry has been brought to you by my hate for everyone, goddammit.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
There is no love untouched by hate
The trials you now are facing
They are not greater than your will
For there is nothing under heaven
You cannot overcome
See the door that lies before you
And know this too shall pass
The confrontation of your tears
In strength drawn from the past
When the silent voices whisper
Find the course that is your own
And however great the obstacle
You will never be alone
For I have watched the path of angels
And I have heard the heavens roar
There is strife within the tempest
But there is calm in the eye of the storm
In fragments of an instant
The chaos has returned
And all that was left to sentiment
Beneath the banner burned
And as that voice was slow receded
Into echoes, memory
My doubts were re-ignited
And fear awakened from its sleep
I believe in what I fight for
And I have paid for it with pain
I am here because my contributions
May help turn this fate away
And all who stood by and did nothing
Who are they to criticize?
The sacrifices of others
Our blod has bought their lives
This is the moment of truth
At the point of no return
Place faith in your convictions
As the boundaries start to blur
There is no love untouched by hate
No unity without discord
There is no courage without fear
There is no peace without a war
There is no wisdom without regret
No admiration without scorn
There is strife within the tempest
But there is calm in the eye of the storm
The pages of our history
Are written by the hand
With eyes and ears and prejudice
Too far removed to understand
And so the heroes of the ages
Are stripped of honesty and love
To make them seem less noble
And hide what we can become
If you find the courage within you
To face the path ahead
It matters not the outcome
IF what you will gain instead
Is a heart deepened in the knowing
That experience carves the soul
And the very thing that empties you
Shall surely make you whole
Where the silent voices whisper
Find the course that is your own
And however great the obstacle
You will never be alone
For I have watched the path of angels
And I have hears the heavens roar
There is strife within the tempest
But calm in the eye of the storm...
They are not greater than your will
For there is nothing under heaven
You cannot overcome
See the door that lies before you
And know this too shall pass
The confrontation of your tears
In strength drawn from the past
When the silent voices whisper
Find the course that is your own
And however great the obstacle
You will never be alone
For I have watched the path of angels
And I have heard the heavens roar
There is strife within the tempest
But there is calm in the eye of the storm
In fragments of an instant
The chaos has returned
And all that was left to sentiment
Beneath the banner burned
And as that voice was slow receded
Into echoes, memory
My doubts were re-ignited
And fear awakened from its sleep
I believe in what I fight for
And I have paid for it with pain
I am here because my contributions
May help turn this fate away
And all who stood by and did nothing
Who are they to criticize?
The sacrifices of others
Our blod has bought their lives
This is the moment of truth
At the point of no return
Place faith in your convictions
As the boundaries start to blur
There is no love untouched by hate
No unity without discord
There is no courage without fear
There is no peace without a war
There is no wisdom without regret
No admiration without scorn
There is strife within the tempest
But there is calm in the eye of the storm
The pages of our history
Are written by the hand
With eyes and ears and prejudice
Too far removed to understand
And so the heroes of the ages
Are stripped of honesty and love
To make them seem less noble
And hide what we can become
If you find the courage within you
To face the path ahead
It matters not the outcome
IF what you will gain instead
Is a heart deepened in the knowing
That experience carves the soul
And the very thing that empties you
Shall surely make you whole
Where the silent voices whisper
Find the course that is your own
And however great the obstacle
You will never be alone
For I have watched the path of angels
And I have hears the heavens roar
There is strife within the tempest
But calm in the eye of the storm...
Love and Hate
Love and hate collide like rain and ocean, singing together in equal and opposite reaction. Anyone can hear it, but to see it makes a world of difference, although perhaps not in a different world. With every blade of grass in attendance, thunderous bass erupts from clouds above while shrill strings cry out from the edge of every raindrop. The orchestra surges relentlessly as daylight breaks, a drink to numb my fears.With bloodthirsty passion, I stagger onward, hoping to bed down at the horizon. My heart loves everything that no one sees, although I sometimes think that is me. There are cracks in everything, and they tell beautiful stories longer than time. Everything is so clear. This new reality appears when least expected, consumes every thought, and ultimately devours the entirety of existence. Perfection is the end of time, and there is no cure for being so in love.But I run screaming from bliss, that eggshell truth that only seems white. There is another reality that I know better; it feeds the senses in equivalent portions, and it feels just like home. And so, from this lonely hill, I watch the unfolding of the apocalypse. Sunlight floods through the beautiful cracks in everything, and everyone can finally see. The fabric now ashen, the spine disintegrates, letting fall all the pages, inked in blood. Yourning fades to completeness as I sleep at last. Every night.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
