Somethings different

"Inside, I built a wall
So high around my heart, I thought i'd never fall
Once touch, you brought it down
The bricks of my defenses scattered on the ground"


Somethings different. My feelings for him have changed into something I dont understand. When he walks into the room my face lights up. I cant stop staring at him. Im always wanting to cuddle and just lay next to him. Last night was the first time since everythings happened that i told him i love him and he said it back. No words could describe what i felt in that moment. My heart melted. Im constantly thinking about him. We work together now, and everytime i catch a glimpse of him i start smiling. Its amazing, this feeling. Whats weird is that i dont remember feeling this certain "feeling" with any other. Its something all together different. I wish i could explain it. I know im in love with him. I cant imagion spending the rest of my life with another. He makes me sooo happy. I couldn't ask for anything better then this. Today we had off and he didn't go to school. We spent all morning in bed cuddling and talking. It was amazing. We made love and it was so beautiful... NO ONE else could ever make me feel that way.

A year passes...

Do you remember the fire? Do you remember the way the butterflies used to stir in your stomach when you kissed someone for the first time? Do you remember the anticipation you felt waiting for a second? A third? A fourth? It was so new and it was flawless. A flower here and a hidden poem there, it was folded in that way where it formed a square and you tucked one corner in so it was fully contained within itself. You stay up all night talking on the phone and you can hear the smile when you talk. Your thoughts were on one person all the time. It made it hard to focus on school or work or sleep or anything you needed to focus on but it didn't bother you in the least. You'd hold hands and cuddle in public places and people would look at you and complain to their friends. It was like you were the only people on the planet and you wouldn't have it any other way.

A year passes...

You know everything about them. You know what makes them happy and you still do those little things that surprise them. This time it's not a flower, it's tickets to go see his favorite band or it's that dress she's been talking about for weeks now. It's being in sync and it's knowing about the little hints that are dropped and picking up on them every time. You're gonna get them the best Christmas present ever this year. You still smile when you speak but now it's usually just quick conversations when you're on break. They are only minutes in length but you know you'd miss them if they didn't occur. You go to the movies every Friday night, you don't even have to ask anymore. You've seen all the blockbusters and you still share your drinks.

A year passes...

The keys have just been cut for your new apartment and you laugh about how you're going to be mr. and mrs. soon. He makes you dinner after a long day and rubs your feet when you've been on them all day. She lets you watch that silly game with your friends even though she would love nothing more than to cuddle up with you and watch a rerun of King of Queens. You fall asleep every night together and on some nights you lay in bed and stay up talking till morning. You squabble about who's gonna do the dishes you left in the sink but it usually ends with a kiss on the cheek and a promise to do them the next two nights.

A year passes...

The apartment has been traded in for a small starter home. You take pictures by the sign that says "sold" and you both look happier than anyone actually could be. You spend Saturdays mowing the lawn and washing the car. You invite another couple over to play cards and possibly go out for the evening. You call it an early night when you realize that tomorrow is the day you're gonna go shopping to re-model the bathroom. The 9-5 life has made you pretty predictable but that's ok. You wake up, go to work, come home, eat, watch some tv and then kiss once or twice and go to sleep. A few nights a week there's a little extra romance...if you know what I mean. Movie night is every other friday now

A year passes...

It's still the same. It's the same house and the same lawn. You painted the basement but it's the same furniture. It's the same routine, it's the same 9-5. You eat steak at least once a week and it's usually on Tuesdays. Sometimes you wake up and spend a few minutes looking at the one you love sleep and it makes you smile but then the alarm sounds and the day needs to start. What a difference a few years has made. It's not the same. It's not the same fire. The butterflies flew away a couple years ago there may be some left but they must be hibernating for the time being. You don't have to wait for a kiss cuz you know one's gonna happen before you leave for work, one when you get home and one before you go to bed, maybe a few extra on some nights.

A year passes...

Same house, new roof and new car. Life is in full force. There are deadlines to be met and meetings to attend. You find yourself working late on most nights. He gets home and usually leaves you a plate to re-heat. When you get home you usually say hello as you're flipping through the mail. He's taken all the flyers from the electronics store again and they're in their usual place on top of the toilet. You toss your keys and take off your coat and he's watching tv and half asleep. You kiss him on the cheek and he wakes up to tell you that the water heater got fixed and the news pleases you. She goes to eat her food and you get up off the couch and meet her in the kitchen. She is standing while she scarfs down the spaghetti you made. Your eyes meet for the first time in what seems like months.

A minute passes...

It's a little out of character lately but he walks up to her and she puts the plate down. He puts his hands on her sides and pulls her close to him. She rubs her hands up and down the sides of his shoulders. She laughs a little because it's been a while since she's been touched that way. It's so loving and the look in his eyes is one of pure happiness, it's a look they both share. She touches his face and he kisses the palm of her hand. They hug each other and he holds her like it's the first time ever. They kiss for a couple minutes and then they pull apart. The whole exchange lasts for no more than five minutes but it's impact is felt for the rest of the week. She goes back to flipping through the mail and he starts working on his latest assignment but the smiles don't leave their faces. The fire's not the same and those feelings aren't the same but in that little moment the butterflies stirred. This Friday is going to be the first movie night in almost 2 months...you can't wait.

*If you have someone in your life go tell them you love them RIGHT NOW!!! or call them or text them or IM them or leave a lame myspace comment. It could be totally out of the blue but I guarantee you it'll be great for them. If you dont have someone go call your mom and tell her you love her. Have a good one!*

Im sick of feeling like im not good enough.

Im so sick of feeling like im not good enough. Im tired of being the reason people hurt even though no one can tell my what i've done or why. IM DONE! Im sick of staying up all night crying because I cant make someone happy. There is no point in fighting a battle i'll never win. I tried, with everything i had... sorry it wasn't good enough. Im sorry people hold so tightly to the past that they cant see the changes i've made. That im different. Thats fine, im done trying to make people see the real me. Focus on the past, I dont care anymore... and this isn't just directed to one person... This is for all of you who look at me for the person i was over a year ago. FUCK IT. Im sick of hurting, im sick of crying. Im sick of being judged by my so called "friends". A big thank you to you all. Thanks for pretending to care, thanks for talking about me behind my back, thanks for making me feel like shit on a daily basis. Thanks for NOTHING!




I’m so sick of speaking words that no one understands
Is it clear enough that you can’t live your whole life all alone?
I can hear you when you whisper
But you can’t even hear me screaming
- where will you go - evanescence

"Buried alive"

"Buried Alive"

I twist and turn
In the darkest space
Can't find my worth
As I numb the pain

Glass to the sky
With a blacktooth grin
This whiskey smile
Takes me down again
I'm cold and I'm so afraid
That I'm too weak and I can't change

[Chorus:]
I've been buried alive and
I don't want to be here anymore
Reached out a thousand times for
A hand to pull me from below
I've been buried alive in a world
Of constant sorrow
Reach down tonight and set me free...
Save tomorrow

Another shot
Slip into the haze
Another night
Soaked in my disgrace
Toast to the lie
I'll raise my glass and run
A wasted life
What have I become?

[Chorus]

Save tomorrow
Save tomorrow

Let me breathe again
Show me where I begin
To find the will to change
Before I lose everything

[Chorus]

Reach down tonight and set me free
And I will follow

Whats next?

It's in the early hours of the morning that I find I think with the most clear mind. How do I know this? Because that's when the pain hits me the hardest. So everything I try to do falls apart, that's not some big shock to me. I'm used to it. Gather the fragments of my shattered hope and put myself back together, right? I'm not stupid enough to let anything drag me down and keep me there.

I always find myself scared and depressed when my hope's been killed. It's always like this. But insecurities seem to get the best of me and irritation ends up being the main emotion. If I never feared to be more alone, I do now. I can't help but get the strange sensation I'm losing a part of myself. I can't but feel like I'm losing you. Not on purpose, at all, but I feel a tension between us. I hope it doesn't stay this way...

No one is perfect!

Its really sad when the world makes you feel like you're not good enough. The phrase everyone makes mistakes doesn't mean shit anymore. It sucks when you mess up soo bad that you almost lose everything thats ever mattered. You try so hard to make up for it, you do anything and everything to show the ones you love that you're different and you're sorry... but the truth is redemption is obsolete! No one believes in forgiveness anymore. So why try?

I cant list the number of people i really care about that i lost because of lies and drugs. You really dont understand the consequences of ur mistakes till you're sitting on the floor of an empty room with a joint in ur hand trying to make sence of whats happened. You start to forget whats real and what you made up. Who would have thought you could actually forget who you are? I told so many lies that i started believing them... Its hard to find yourself when you cant remember your past.

I used to think that forgetting the past and focusing on the future would make things better. I WAS WRONG! Its not enough just for me to forget, no one else does. Salvation is a joke.





"Happiness depends upon ourselves. " - Aristotle

Love is worth it!

"At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet" - Plato

My Dream Man:

I want a boy who looks guilty when he's awake, and innocent when he's asleep. I want a boy who goes with the flow enough to have no idea what an 'awkward moment' feels like. I want a boy with a filthy mouth who doesn't realize it. I want a boy who can laugh at a funeral, but cry at the thought of animal abuse. I want a boy that whispers all his secrets and makes pinky promises. I want a boy who's beautiful, and knows it. I want a boy with dark hair and bright eyes. I want a boy that wants to go outside and play everytime it rains. I want a boy who looks the sexiest when he's soaking wet or pissed off. I want a boy to share my bed every night. I want a boy that wouldn't move if a kitten fell asleep on his chest. I want a boy that can bring out the best in me instead of breaking me down. I want a boy who is complicated. I want a boy who knows what it means to be original. I want a boy who understands the true meaning of art. I want a boy who thinks intimacy is listening to music in the dark on the floor with scented candles. I want a boy who actually knows what 'commitment' means. It means no matter what. It means through all the rough times. It means "I promise".

Love:

This all started with a simple question: What would you choose; True love with the guarantee of heartbreak or never being loved??

This aroused thoughts i really didn't understand.

What is love? and How would one define it?

This is a hard topic because love is so diverse. There isn't one set definition for "love" but ill do my best.

The Ancient Greeks believed love to be the eternal bond with another person. They believed love is essential to life. They broke down love into four types: Eros was the love of affection and obsession. Phileo was the love of friendship. Storage was the love of family and relatives. The last love agape, this was unconditional love that you would do anything for. Without love there is no light, there is no life, and there is no order.

The Ancient Greeks did believe in soul mates. A soul mate is no just someone you are instantly hot for, although attraction is often the beacon which draws us to them first. The soul mate bond is for more complexes, more subtle, more than anything that could be devised by conventional relationship expectations. Does anyone really know what love is or what the effects of love are? I doubt it.

Webster dictionary defines love as a strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties, as an attraction based on sexual desires: affection and tenderness felt by lovers and as an affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interest. Love has several different meanings in the English language, from something that gives little pleasure to something that one would die for. It can describe an intense feeling of affection, an emotion, or an emotional state. Just as there are many types of lovers, there are many types of love. Love is inherent in all human cultures. It is precisely these cultural differences that make any universal definition of love difficult to establish. Expressions of love may include the love for a soul or mind, love of laws, love for a body, love for nature, love of food, love of money, love for learning, love of power and fame, love for respect, and many more. Different cultures and people place varying degrees of importance on the kinds of love they receive.

So my question is if there are so many different types of love and love could mean a million different feelings then how can we ever be sure we're making the right choice when it comes to love?

About me:

At the moment that I'm typing this, there's about 7,608,472,275 other people in the world; What can I say that will make me stand out? Probably nothing. Every word I've ever said has probably been said a million times over. I don't sit here and try to prove points, or make the world a better place; All I can do is be honest with others and myself, and say what I think. I don't really know if people on Myspace have the ability to read an About Me section that isn't posted in a nice, user-friendly bulletined list that was probably stolen from the coolest scene kid around, surrounded by hundreds of obnoxious glittery animations, but I've never let that hold me back before. Go ahead and read if you're interested

I love and trust less than a handful of people in the world, and I'd pick those people over the swarms of people that like to pretend they're my BFF any day. I believe that the more people you let close to you, the more people that can rip your heart out. Honestly, I'm really hard to get close to, and the fight isn't worth it. Lately it feels like everyone around me just wants something from me, but I have nothing emotionally to give. I'm rapidly losing faith in people. Everyone seems so pretentious, thinking they're so cool by acting like the person next to them. No one seems to have independent thoughts or opinions or minds of their own. No one bothers being creative when they can just sponge the creativity from someone else. People seem to TALK a lot but never really SAY anything. They seem to think that thinking about doing something and pretending to do something is just as effective as ACTUALLY DOING something. It's hard to even agree with the statement "everyone's different" anymore, when I feel like I'm surrounded by clones. People seem to feel ashamed if they think/look/do anything differently than anyone else, so they just change it. Silly kids on Myspace go get snakebites to be like their favorite internet idol, or put their hair in their face so they look exactly like the people they're trying to impress. I can't even tell people on here apart anymore. It makes me sad that somehow their minds have gotton twisted into thinking that makes them individuals, and seem to think that a real fulfilling life is sitting in front of a computer waiting for picture comments. Maybe for them, it is. Who am I to say that their thoughts are wrong, just because I feel differently? There's no fucking rulebook of life. And no one in the world is born and guaranteed happiness. It's something we have to fight for, and just because we're all fighting for the same thing, doesn't mean we all have to be the same. I know that shit isn't always going to go my way, and I'm just going to have to get used to it just like you. But who really cares about real happiness when you can easily buy artificial happiness in the form of drugs and alcohol? I do. I want to be conscious through this whole 'life' thing I'm experiencing.

I don't want to solve world hunger, or create world peace; I just want to smile at least once every day, and be able to say that I've lived a good life before I die. Maybe it makes me selfish, but I don't live for anyone else. The only person I try to impress is me, which is the hardest job I've ever given myself. I don't know if I'll ever succeed, but I'll never give up. I don't sit around and wait for other people to make me happy. All my life, I've done everything for myself. I was never raised by parents, so I was never told that I can ask for help, and I never have. I've known many inspiring people, but I've honestly taught myself everything I know. I always do things the hard way, because it's the only way I know how. I can never allow myself to do ANYTHING half-way; I uncontrollably attempt to achieve perfection at everything I start. I've realized that I learn a lot by trial and error. I learn from every single mistake that I make, which is why I don't regret anything.

Anyway, like I said, I am hard to get close to.. but I'm not all that difficult to get along with. I'm actually pretty laid back, and few things really piss me off. I really can't stand when people generalize people AKA "I love gay people" or "I love asian people" as if they're all the same. I admit that I'm guilty of this in some cases, since I have a habit of insulting all of America in every conversation. I can be really offensive without trying. Also, I can't stand when people define themselves and others by their sexuality, as if it's a HUGE part of them or something. The gender you like is the gender you like, just like the colour of your skin is the colour of your skin. I don't feel the need to introduce myself as a bisexual white girl, or decribe people as "that black boy" or "my gay friend". I also really don't like when people are simple-minded enough to just assume something, when they can easily just ask a question. I find it kind of annoying when I'm frequently having accusations thrown in my face by people I DON'T EVEN KNOW. God. If you want to know something, just ask a simple question, and I will answer it. These are just some of the things that piss me off. I tend to be the queen of grudges, since I'm not a big fan of forgiveness.

don't dislike ANYONE until they give me a reason to. Don't disrespect me, and I won't disrespect you. It's a really simple concept that some people just don't seem to understand. People act like complete idiots, and then wonder why I'm such an asshole to them. Are you THAT unaware of your own obnoxiousness? All I can say is that I do dislike a lot of people, but I don't hate anyone. I don't throw that word around, or the 'love' word. I can probably count every person I love in the world on my fingers and toes with no problems. And I like it that way.

Music is a huge part of my life. It's the only thing that's never let me down. It's always been there to help me through it, and I can always count on it. I know a lot of kids these days throw around that whole "MUSIC IS MY LIFE" phrase, and I know most of them don't really mean it, but I can't really judge since I don't know everyone's story. I DO know that music is one of the most powerful forms of art, and ultimately one of the most truthful things in the world (Well, maybe not most of the shit these days that takes absolutely no talent to create). I know that I'm not the only person it's saved. But music is only PART of my life. Art in general is my life. Creation and destruction; writing, photography, traditional drawing, everything. Breathe it. Anything could be a form of art except for sitting on your ass. Get up and go create something. Go destroy something and make it better. Evolve

Obviously, I write a lot. People are really confused when they figure out that I've failed every class in highschool I ever took, INCLUDING English. I just could never function in school. Writing is the only real way that I can get my thoughts organized enough to think clearly. My mind is racing nonstop, to the point where I almost WISH I was weak enough to take pills to stop it.. I'm not saying that people who take pills are weak; I'm just saying that I've come too far this way, so I'm not going to start altering my mind now. I'm actually scared to death of it. This is all I have.