I woke, cold and alone
Adrift in an open sea
Caught up in regrets
And tangled in nets
Instead of ............. wrapped around me
And I wept, but my tears are anathema here
Just more water to fill my lungs
I hear someone scream
"Oh God what is it that I've done?"

I am drowning in a digital sea
I am slipping beneath the sound
Here my voice goes to ones and zeros
I'm slipping beneath the sound

A song from somewhere below
Deadly and slow begins
Both sickly and sweet
Now picking up speed
Ushering in the world's end
And the ghost of Descartes screams again in the dark
"Oh how could I have been so wrong?"
But above the screams the sirens still sing their song

I am drowning in a digital sea
I am slipping beneath the sound
Here my voices goes to ones and zeros
I'm slipping beneath the sound

The Dream.

Imagine being in a room with no doors or windows and no recollection of how you got there. The walls are painted white. And there is a single light on the roof that flickers. Imagine being trapped within your own mind. The questions start to suffocate you. How did you get there? How long has it been since you've seen the outside world? How long till you are free? Will you ever be free?

Now, you're starting to go crazy. Frantically, you search for a way out. It takes you hours before you accept that escape is unlikely. You're mind starts to get the best of you, and you pass out from stress. You start to visualize you're own death. Seeing yourself suffer from starvation. Your body slowly decaying. You wake in a fright. Panicking. You look around once more for some type of escape. Only something is different. There is a door, giving you a since of hope. When you attempt to open it you realize that its cemented shut. An impossible escape. Alarm sets in. You start digging your nails around the doorframe. Again it takes hours before you accept that the door isn't going to move and will not be your salvation. Terror invades your mind and you pass out once more. You start dreaming of your past, you see your family and friends, but they're all pointing and laughing at you. You think its because you're trapped in that room. They must have done this to you. You awake, feelings anger and hate. You look around. The scene has changed again. There is a window. You start to feel hope again. You attempt to open it, but there is no latch. It won’t open. You try to throw your body against the glass in a desperate attempt to break it. Only its not real glass, and it doesn't break. You step back, inspect the window and realize that on the other side of it is a brick wall. You weren't meant to open it. Same with the door. You remove yourself from the window and fall to your knees in the corner. You try to gain self-control. You're tired of getting your hopes up only to have them crushed. You give up on the thought of escape. And as soon you speak the words you awake in your bed. Surrounded by the things you know. You run to the door and it opens. You see your house, and you realize it was all a bad dream. Or was it?

All throughout life we're made to feel things we never wanted. People put down on you; make you feel less then human. What you thought was a room with no escape was your mind. What you thought was the door and window was really the people in your life that gave you hope and crushed you, which is the reason you couldn't open either of them. They weren't your salvation. When you give up trying to let others make you happy, only then do you realize that true happiness can only be found within yourself.

The point of this isn't the grammar or the spelling. This was my dream. It was life changing. I just thought maybe someone else could get something out of it too.

Last night.

Last night my friend talked me in to going see a movie. I didn't really want to go without Trey but we didn't have time to wait for im so i went. I had a lot of fun, but i couldn't stop thinking about him. I missed him and longed to be in his arms. Well when i got home he was laying down. I went tell him that i was there and went get on the computer for a few. well when i talked to him he told me to find another place to sleep. I dont understand why he said that. I know we've been fighting alot but im not giving up so why is he? Im starting to get this feeling that he doesn't love me. well not really that as much as hes not in love with me. Its cuts like razors just thinking about it. I love him. My place in the world is next to him. So why is he pushing me away? I know i haven't been myself lately, but everyone goes through that. Its not exactly easy but we're supposed to work things out. He wont talk to me. I begged him to talk to me about this, I need him to tell me whats going on, so that we can make things work. He doesn't understand that we both have to try. I know im not perfect and im not saying i've been doing everything right cuz i know i haven't. But i want this enough to change, at least to try. I wish he did. I only know one thing and that is I cant run anymore. This is usually the point where i run away, but things are different, you dont run from the ones you love, you stand by their side and support what ever descision they make, no matter how much it hurts. I dont want to be seperated. I dont want to sleep with out him every night. I want to be able to tell him i love him, but if he tells me again that thats what he wants im going to respect that. I cant keep acting like we're in 8th grade anymore. We're both different people. I have to accept that. Things arn't going to be like they were years ago. We've both gone through too much. I just want him to know, no matter what he descides, that i do love him. That he means everything to me. But im not giving up!!!!!

I've come to the realization that life will never be what i expected.

He used to care so much about me, about my feelings. He used to listen. We used to be able to talk. Now everything is different. We dont talk anymore. He doesn't listen. He constantly reminds me that he doesn't care. What happened? I understand everything hes been through but im supposed to be his girl, hes supposed to care about me, and my feelings. I wish he understood how bad he hurts me. I love him, I honestly do. and im trying to show him that. Im trying everything i can to let him know that this is what i want. But nothing makes a difference. Nothing i do seems right. I feel like im a failure. I've felt that all my life and i cant handle it very well. I hate rejection, another thing i've felt all my life, and he used to understand that, now thats exactly what he shows me. I hate feeling like im not good enough for him. I hope this isn't the way its gunna be. I hope he loves me enough, and we can make this work, because i cant take losing him again, but how long can i go through this?

~*~ The Bittersweet Taste of Life Lingers... ~*


Simplistic Loss Realization

Everything is about to change...

Reflections cracked,
unchanged but different:

wiser, older?

naive, young?

A state of unknowing,

A path diverged perhaps?

Both ways hidden

in shadow...

in mystery...

Everything has changed.

Reflections gone,

Obsession fueled on pride:

hallowed, alone?

bloated, scared?

A state of disillusion,

A path endless demise.

because of power...

because of greed...

Nothing has changed.

Reflections staring,

Changed but not different:

wiser and older...

embracing lasting solitude.

no longer naive and young...

understanding time's expiration.

Many paths have been trodden...

ending in misfortune.

ending in triumph.

the unbeaten trail.

unknown.

expected.

bathed in darkness.

smothered in light.

except it.

life continues...

follow.

Somethings different

"Inside, I built a wall
So high around my heart, I thought i'd never fall
Once touch, you brought it down
The bricks of my defenses scattered on the ground"


Somethings different. My feelings for him have changed into something I dont understand. When he walks into the room my face lights up. I cant stop staring at him. Im always wanting to cuddle and just lay next to him. Last night was the first time since everythings happened that i told him i love him and he said it back. No words could describe what i felt in that moment. My heart melted. Im constantly thinking about him. We work together now, and everytime i catch a glimpse of him i start smiling. Its amazing, this feeling. Whats weird is that i dont remember feeling this certain "feeling" with any other. Its something all together different. I wish i could explain it. I know im in love with him. I cant imagion spending the rest of my life with another. He makes me sooo happy. I couldn't ask for anything better then this. Today we had off and he didn't go to school. We spent all morning in bed cuddling and talking. It was amazing. We made love and it was so beautiful... NO ONE else could ever make me feel that way.

A year passes...

Do you remember the fire? Do you remember the way the butterflies used to stir in your stomach when you kissed someone for the first time? Do you remember the anticipation you felt waiting for a second? A third? A fourth? It was so new and it was flawless. A flower here and a hidden poem there, it was folded in that way where it formed a square and you tucked one corner in so it was fully contained within itself. You stay up all night talking on the phone and you can hear the smile when you talk. Your thoughts were on one person all the time. It made it hard to focus on school or work or sleep or anything you needed to focus on but it didn't bother you in the least. You'd hold hands and cuddle in public places and people would look at you and complain to their friends. It was like you were the only people on the planet and you wouldn't have it any other way.

A year passes...

You know everything about them. You know what makes them happy and you still do those little things that surprise them. This time it's not a flower, it's tickets to go see his favorite band or it's that dress she's been talking about for weeks now. It's being in sync and it's knowing about the little hints that are dropped and picking up on them every time. You're gonna get them the best Christmas present ever this year. You still smile when you speak but now it's usually just quick conversations when you're on break. They are only minutes in length but you know you'd miss them if they didn't occur. You go to the movies every Friday night, you don't even have to ask anymore. You've seen all the blockbusters and you still share your drinks.

A year passes...

The keys have just been cut for your new apartment and you laugh about how you're going to be mr. and mrs. soon. He makes you dinner after a long day and rubs your feet when you've been on them all day. She lets you watch that silly game with your friends even though she would love nothing more than to cuddle up with you and watch a rerun of King of Queens. You fall asleep every night together and on some nights you lay in bed and stay up talking till morning. You squabble about who's gonna do the dishes you left in the sink but it usually ends with a kiss on the cheek and a promise to do them the next two nights.

A year passes...

The apartment has been traded in for a small starter home. You take pictures by the sign that says "sold" and you both look happier than anyone actually could be. You spend Saturdays mowing the lawn and washing the car. You invite another couple over to play cards and possibly go out for the evening. You call it an early night when you realize that tomorrow is the day you're gonna go shopping to re-model the bathroom. The 9-5 life has made you pretty predictable but that's ok. You wake up, go to work, come home, eat, watch some tv and then kiss once or twice and go to sleep. A few nights a week there's a little extra romance...if you know what I mean. Movie night is every other friday now

A year passes...

It's still the same. It's the same house and the same lawn. You painted the basement but it's the same furniture. It's the same routine, it's the same 9-5. You eat steak at least once a week and it's usually on Tuesdays. Sometimes you wake up and spend a few minutes looking at the one you love sleep and it makes you smile but then the alarm sounds and the day needs to start. What a difference a few years has made. It's not the same. It's not the same fire. The butterflies flew away a couple years ago there may be some left but they must be hibernating for the time being. You don't have to wait for a kiss cuz you know one's gonna happen before you leave for work, one when you get home and one before you go to bed, maybe a few extra on some nights.

A year passes...

Same house, new roof and new car. Life is in full force. There are deadlines to be met and meetings to attend. You find yourself working late on most nights. He gets home and usually leaves you a plate to re-heat. When you get home you usually say hello as you're flipping through the mail. He's taken all the flyers from the electronics store again and they're in their usual place on top of the toilet. You toss your keys and take off your coat and he's watching tv and half asleep. You kiss him on the cheek and he wakes up to tell you that the water heater got fixed and the news pleases you. She goes to eat her food and you get up off the couch and meet her in the kitchen. She is standing while she scarfs down the spaghetti you made. Your eyes meet for the first time in what seems like months.

A minute passes...

It's a little out of character lately but he walks up to her and she puts the plate down. He puts his hands on her sides and pulls her close to him. She rubs her hands up and down the sides of his shoulders. She laughs a little because it's been a while since she's been touched that way. It's so loving and the look in his eyes is one of pure happiness, it's a look they both share. She touches his face and he kisses the palm of her hand. They hug each other and he holds her like it's the first time ever. They kiss for a couple minutes and then they pull apart. The whole exchange lasts for no more than five minutes but it's impact is felt for the rest of the week. She goes back to flipping through the mail and he starts working on his latest assignment but the smiles don't leave their faces. The fire's not the same and those feelings aren't the same but in that little moment the butterflies stirred. This Friday is going to be the first movie night in almost 2 months...you can't wait.

*If you have someone in your life go tell them you love them RIGHT NOW!!! or call them or text them or IM them or leave a lame myspace comment. It could be totally out of the blue but I guarantee you it'll be great for them. If you dont have someone go call your mom and tell her you love her. Have a good one!*